I've been in love with this guy for ages, I think ever since I get to know him.
He means a lot to me and I know I mean a lot to him too, as a friend. He's my best friend, and I don't want to cause problems in our friendship, so I need and must get over him. Moving on doesn't mean that I don’t care about him anymore; it’s just realizing that the only thing I truly have control over is myself, right here, right now.
I've been through all this before; it’s been eons ago and I believe that I've already closed this page in my life. I even dated other guys in hopes of getting over him and I thought I did, well I thought I successfully did. I thought it was a simple infatuation so I focused on other things in life and eventually my feelings turned neutral and started looking at him as a friend and not as a man. We became best of friends and I’m so grateful for finding a friend who understands me and someone I can count on.
Until lately I realized that I'm still into him. I was so shock when truth struck me and I was in denial at first. NO, It can't be. Not him. Not my precious friend. Not anymore. I even ignore and try to forget that unimaginable fact but every time I've heard or saw him, or even just his name. It's unbelievable and unimaginable, now who I am kidding? I started feeling guilty because I respect him so much and I felt guilty betraying our friendship. But I can't take away this feeling even if I want to. I realized that all these years I never really stopped caring. I've just learned to lock it somewhere.
I've met Caucasians, Indians, Asians, and boy they we're all good looking but in my eyes he's the sexiest guy I've ever met. He's not a boy next door kind of guy not even close to matinee idol. He just has these qualities: Sharp wit, winning sense of humor and chock full of confidence and for me its equivalent to: Sexy. Yeah, he is the sexiest man I've ever laid my eyes on. This is my honest, purely admiration, and biased opinion. As a friend, that’s his lasting impression in me.
Sometimes walking away is a step forward. I started putting myself into activities that genuinely interest me where I can start getting to know other people. Being active and socialize are perfect way to get to know people well without jumping right into dating, I’m not ready for that yet. I need time and distance right now. I do need to get busy enough so that I'm not tempted to isolate and get depressed. The antidote to loneliness is to be with other people, I guess.
The hardest person to get over is the person you never actually had. It's terribly hard, but real friendship sometimes calls for real sacrifice. I am neither ashamed nor sorry for my feelings. I guess, I just felt that it wasn't right. I know my place and boundaries and I rather walk away than cross the line. The truth is I can’t afford to lose a friend, especially my best friend. He will always be my best friend and I hope someday I can laugh this thing with him. Just like the old days.
I hope I can work this out, by focusing on my goals (aside from moving forward) and rebuilding my life and giving a chance the right one, who is out there waiting for me. Everything will fall into place eventually. Someday, I hope unimaginably good things will transpire in my life, even if everything doesn't turn out exactly the way I had anticipated. And I will look back at the times that have passed, smile, and ask myself, “How did I get through all of that?”